I have been suffering with an auto immune disorder since 2010 in which I am extremely exhausted all the time and have painful and swollen joints and muscle cramps to the point where I can hardly get out of bed or walk at times. At the time, when I was living in Florida, the doctors could not figure out what was wrong with me. So, I sought advice from a trusted health professional friend. He recommended that I go back to the doctor because he thought I possibly had a type of rheumatoid arthritis. So I went back to the doctor but still they said nothing was wrong--it was just stress.
I was so frustrated and decided not to go back to the doctor in Florida because I knew I would be moving to Iowa in less than two months. I just kept telling myself "I just have to get to Iowa." When I get there, everything will be okay. I'll have a new job with an awesome boss who respects me as a person and professionally; my Iowa Mama and Daddy will take care of me. The hardest part will be actually getting there.
I finally arrived in Iowa in March 2011 and everything was going well. I was so happy about my new job that I didn't realize I was still feeling poorly until I woke up one morning in June and physically could not get out of bed. After many months of tests and labs, the doctors found I was severely anemic and iron deficient and also suffering from an undiagnosed connective tissue disorder with positive results for rheumatoid arthritis and lupus but not enough for a definitive diagnosis. Finally, the doctors found an effective treatment that is working. Even though the treatment is working, sometimes this whole situation really stinks. During this past Lenten season with The Leap of Faith, I was asking God to heal me completely.
Lent started off with a bang.
On Ash Wednesday, I had the opportunity to share my story with our youth. There were things I felt led of the Holy Spirit to share that I had not shared with anyone except my immediate family.
I was feeling pretty terrible that day and there was no doubt it was all because I was sharing that night. There were moments of such intense pain throughout the day I thought I might pass out. I thought about calling Joy and telling her I could not be there but deep down I knew that was not an option. So I went home on my lunch break and watched a sermon by Pastor Charlotte Gambill. I had watched this many times before but knew I needed to hear her story again.
During the message, she shared her struggles with infertility and how she prayed for women to have a baby and they would become pregnant but she never did. Then one day right before church was to start, she went to the bathroom and found blood and knew the fertility treatment had failed. She went on to say she felt God say to her in that moment that she could cry about it but there were women waiting that needed to hear what she had to say. So she went out and preached and the next month became pregnant.
Listening to Charlotte's story strengthened my own faith and reminded me this is not just about me but others who needed to hear my story. So I went to church and shared and it was awesome.
Over the next few weeks, I was still fighting physically. So I decided to download some messages about healing. The first one I downloaded was by Pastor Stovall Weems entitled The Great Physician. I immediately thought Stovall was going to share about his surgery for an aortic aneurysm from a few years back and I'll receive some insight on believing God for healing.
I was wrong.
Stovall did share a little about the surgery but the focus of the message was on how we are spiritually sick and Jesus is our Great Physician. He spoke from Matthew 9 where Jesus was eating with the sinners and said that it is the sick who need a doctor not the healthy. He said sin makes us sick or diseased. We have all sinned and have a diseased part on the inside but Jesus just wants to make us whole.
The first time I listened to the message I felt I was supposed to pray for one of my six and did not really feel the message was for me. But as I was listening to the message again one night last week while I was laying in bed and when Stovall said something about being broken on the inside something just clicked in my spirit. I realized I was not only physically sick but also spiritually sick. For so long I had been answering to the nickname of "Broke Down Palace." When I lived in Florida, some of my co-workers gave me that nickname and I answered to it all the time. No wonder I feel like a broken down palace all the time; that's what I have been claiming with my own mouth. I also felt like I was a failure because at times I couldn't clean my house or cook or take care of myself. This illness had taken its toll mentally and emotionally and I needed to be made whole. So I prayed and asked God to forgive me for not believing His words about me and also to heal me spiritually, physically, and emotionally-to make me whole.
And He has!
It hit me this morning when I woke up at 5:58 am without my alarm, wide awake, fully rested, and pain free. I thought to myself I have not woken up on my own without an alarm in 2 years (before I became sick I always woke up without an alarm-no problem) not to mention being fully rested and pain free. As I sat in my bed this morning thanking God, I reflected on the last week or so of my life and realized that God truly has made me whole and healed me to the uttermost!
So no more broke down palace for me; I have been made whole!